2006-03-11 - 12:30 a.m.
So this is where I'm supposed to let everything out and open myself up.I'm going to try some of that now. I know the consequences. But right now I'm going to go for broke.
I've been trying to show you how much you mean to me since the day i've met you. The problem is that I have no idea never known how to show someone that they mean the world to me. I get scared that you'll think I'm crazy(which I'm think I am).
To go off subject for a minute... The show "Mind of Mencia" is on TV. It's a great show you should all watch it.
Back on subject... I know it wasn't as great as I make myself believe it was. I lie to myself a lot. I've been doing it for years.
I know you loved me and I know I loved you. My definition of love is not the same as yours. I think no ones is the same. Each person feels love differently. You're the only person to ever tell me that you loved me. I know theres other people out there that care and love me but you're the only one to show me.
By now you've figured out I'm talking about you. I've never been so scared in my entire life. I'm afraid that you'll never want to see or speak to me again. We hardly see or speak to eachother as it is. And I cherish every second of that.
I'm all over the place with the4se thoughts tonight.
I blame myself for everything that happened all those years ago. You've moved on and never looked back. That makes you so much stronger then me. After I left I lived life and moved on with it. Until one night reminded me off what life was really all about. I gave it all up. It failed... it failed very badly. Since then there has been nothing.
There's so much more I want to say. But I think there is enough here for tonight to show how much of a loser and psycho i am.
I don;t blame you nor do I think that you can solve any of my problems. This whole entry has been some of the most straightforward and honest words I've ever said or written. I'm tired of holding back.
Thats been my problem all along. I can't face the truth and i can't show my true feelings. Thats been my problem all along.
I'm finally done being the only one that cares. I'm finally done holding on. And I'm finally done being the only one making an effort to keep in touch. This is the worst feeling in the world.
I mean little when you mean so much.
I'm weak for not being able to say any of this to your face. But the probelm is when i see you all of this just disappears.
This has taken me quite awhile to write. I've debated over and over again whether or not to delete this. I"m going to keep it this time.
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last five entries:
- - 2012-06-06
I'm the only one that knows what today is.... - 2007-02-10
- - 2006-12-25
a few months overdue - 2006-09-18
- - 2006-06-15